Impossible Things
by Crimson stars and Silent stars
Summary: What exactly was going through John Smith's head in the Family of Blood as he gave up his life for The Doctor? A Doctor Who Story.


He watched as Joan opened the door and ventured timidly inside. "Hello?", she said with a quavering voice, but her words fell flat as there was no one to answer. "No one home. We should be safe here."

Martha walked in after her and John Smith came last of all. The maid's eyes roamed around the small room, "Whose house is it then?"

John looked around silently at the interior as he came in. It was a very nice house, fitting of a small family. Pictures decorated the stone walls depicting a happy family. A mother, father, and adorable young girl. There was a table set in the center of the room with flowers, a fancy display, and a teapot.

He could already guess whose house this was, and he was confirmed as Joan answered grimly, " The Cartwrights. That little girl at the school, she was Lucy Cartwright, or she's taken Lucy Cartwright's form. If she came home this afternoon and if her parents tried to stop their little girl then… They would vanish." Just to test the theory, Nurse Redfern rested her hand on the teapot and reported, "Stone cold."

John's eyes flickered from the teapot and back to Joan. He felt his chest starting to heave as Joan told her sad story. _So many people dead. For me._ What was he going to do? He was being backed into a corner. He could almost feel the evil breath of the Blood Family, See their sickening grins. Hand in hand with the grim reaper. He sat down in the closest chair and stared at the wall, trying to ignore the pressure in his chest. "I must go to them", he declared shakily, "before anyone else dies." He turned his gaze to the two women. His love and his- The Doctor's friend.

Joan answered immediately as she took John's hand and sat next to him, her voice low, "You can't." Joan looked up desperately staring at him with her lovely blue eyes. "Martha there must be something we can do!"

Martha stared dully straight ahead and said in a deadpan voice, "Not without the watch."

The pressure in John's chest increased and climbed up into his throat. He felt a rage course through his body and he jerked forward explosively. "Your this Doctor's companion! Can't you help?" He let all his pain and fear out in these words, screaming at the girl across the room. He saw her flinch at his anger but he didn't stop. Why should he? She was the one that was so eager for him to die so her beloved doctor could come back and save the day! Why would he even listen to her anyway? "What exactly do you do for him?", He asked accusingly, "Why does he need you?"

Martha shook her head disparagingly but replied anyway. "Because he's lonely."

He gaped at her as a sob threatened to overcome him. How could she be so cold? "And that's what you want me to become?"

She seemed lost for words, on the verge of wanting to say something. However she was spared from having to reply by a sharp knock at the door. Her head snapped back and Joan jumped. "What if it's them?" the nurse muttered fearfully.

Martha turned back and looked at her. "I'm not an expert, but I don't think scarecrows knock." But John could tell that she was not entirely convinced as she slowly approached the heavy wooden door, each step bringing her closer to the mystery. She opened the door a crack and poked her head through. John heard a voice from the other side, then silence, and a few seconds later she pulled the door open to admit a single person. It was a the young boy, Tim Latimer, and in his hand was a watch.

John extracted himself swiftly from the chair and backed away from the small boy, terror mounting in his heart. His mind flew back to the blue box in the courtyard and suddenly he had a name for it. But the word, it didn't mean anything, it was just six useless letters cobbled together into a sound.

Martha snatched the device from Latimer and held it out eagerly in her palm, relief etched in every line of her face, hope sparkling in her eyes. She stretched her hand towards John and instructed him, "Hold it."

He responded immediately, the answer already on his tongue "I won't." His heart was beating fast as he stared at the cursed lump of metal. What might happen if he were to grasp it?

Now Martha was desperate. "Please, just hold it!"

Tim cut across Martha and added calmly, "It told me to find you. It wants to be held."

A shiver nearly went through John as the Latimer boy spoke of the watch like a living thing. _Yes._ John stiffened as the unspoken word drifted to the surface of his thoughts.

"You've had the watch all this time", said Joan suspiciously, "Why didn't you return it?"

The boy looked slightly abashed but he did not hesitate to answer. "Because it was waiting." Tim seemed to pause for a second to think about his next words. "And because I was so scared, of The Doctor."

Joan didn't miss a beat. "Why?"

"Because…. I've seen him". Tim Latimer turned his piercing eyes to the terrified, wide-eyed man across the room, his gaze glossed with fear and something like… reverence. "He's like fire and ice and rage", John's eyes were transfixed on the suddenly threatening small boy walking towards him and he fought the overwhelming urge to vomit. "He's like the night, and the storm, and the heart of the sun."

Tim was now right in front of him. John found himself incapable of breaking eye contact with the boy, so instead he whispered softly, "Stop it."

Tim pressed on without heeding his professor's words. "He's ancient and forever. He burns at the center of time and he can see the turn of universe".

John could hardly breathe now. Burning… Is that what would happen to him if he turned back? "Stop it! I said stop it!"

Latimer pause to consider the man in front of him for a moment. His tone softened. "And he's wonderful."

He stared at the boy. Could a man like that really be wonderful? He sounded like the devil himself! Burning in the night…. Out of the corner of his eye, John saw Joan put something on the table. "I've still got this", she said, indicating the book, "The journal".

"Those are just stories!" he spat back, his eyes roaming over the leather-bound back.

She looked back at him sympathetically. "Now we know that's not true. Perhaps there's something in here?"

Before anyone could respond there was a tremendous boom outside and the entire foundation of the house shook. John heard a bewildered exclamation of, "What the hell?!" from the direction of Martha Jones, as he rushed over to the window. What greeted him was a truly horrific sight. The buildings in the nearby town we toppling like playthings. The weapons fire almost looked like comets or meteors as they danced across the sky, but the fantasy ended as they crashed to the ground with a rumble worthy of the great giant, Goliath and blasted the town to rubble. He now knew for sure. Those awful creature were serious and, somehow, they knew that he could not let this happen.

"They're destroying the village!" John hardly heard Joan's distraught statement as he rounded on Martha and seized the watch from her grip, cradling it in his palm.

"Watch!" He murmured his single-minded thought as he strode as far away from the other people as possible.

Joan stepped toward him, turning her back on the destruction. "John, don't!"

As soon as he came in contact with the timepiece, words filled his head and images flashed by, but were gone before he could process them. A blue box. _TARDIS. Closer…._ An orange planet _Gallifrey. Closer…._ A metal beast _Dalek. Closer!_

Vaguely he heard Tim ask him a question. "Can you hear it?"

 _Rose Tyler. Bad Wolf. Torchwood. Martha. Cybermen. Madame de Pompadour. Donna Noble. Zygon. Judoon. Sarah Jane. The Shadow Proclamation. Jelly babies, Reverse the polarity of the neutron flow. The Oncoming Storm. Allons Y!_

John bit down the urge to cry out as the unfamiliar words and pictures flooded his mind. Suddenly, an inkling of understanding trickled into his thoughts. "He's asleep. Waiting to waken".

"Why did he speak to me?" Latimer asked.

Suddenly the answer was in his mind, and it was the most obvious thing in the world. "Oh, low level telepathic field, you were born with it. Just an extra synaptic engram, causing-" John let out an audible gasp as the thought disappeared and he came back to himself, eyes filled with tears. He looked onto Martha's face and he found it to be smiling for the first time in a long while. He looked down at the watch, shaking uncontrollably. He could hardly believe what he had just said. That couldn't have been him! That was The Doctor, invading his mind! He could hear the clock ticking. It was so loud. It was in his head and it hurt. He stared at Martha in dismay. "Is that how he talks?"

Martha was elated "That's him!", she leaned forward in anticipation, "All you have to do is open it and he's back!"

John drew in long shuddering breaths as tears streamed down his face. This was all Martha and her precious Doctor's fault! They had let him live for such a short time and now they would rip his life away without a second thought. There was another crash nearby as yet another building was destroyed. He stared at Martha in disbelief, "You knew this all along and yet you watched while Nurse Redfern and I-!"

"I didn't know how to stop you!" She was begging with him now. "He gave me a list of things to watch out for, but that wasn't included."

John froze and panic washed over him. "Falling in love", he shouted with incredulity, "that didn't even occur to him?!"

Martha appeared shocked at the question. "No."

How could he be this man? He didn't want to be this man! He felt a sharp pain in his head and the ticking grew louder. He was crying now. "What sort of man is that?" It was a genuine question. "And now you expect me to _die_!" _Tick. Tick. Tick._

Another crash, louder and closer this time. He could see the guilt on Martha's face as she shouted back at him. "It was always going to end though! The Doctor said the family's got a limited lifespan, that's why they've got to consume a Timelord! Otherwise three months and they die. Like mayflies, he said."

As he looked upon her now, John finally saw who she really was. But how could she? He had found her a job! If it wasn't for him, she would be on the streets! He let out a breath. No. That wasn't real. That was a creation of The Doctor's, a silly fabrication, just like the rest of his life. "So your job was to _execute_ me!" If he could have, he would have run out of the house right then, and never stopped. His lip shook as he tried to get under control.

Martha was on the verge of tears now. "People are dying out there! They need him and _I_ need him. Cause you have no idea what he's like, I've only just met him and-. It wasn't even that long ago but….. He is _everything!_ He is just everything to me and he doesn't even look at me, but I don't care!" Martha was breathing heavily now. "Because I love him to bits. And I hope to _god_ he won't remember me saying this." John looked at the girl for the first time since they arrived at the house with something other than anger and fear. However the moment was interrupted by a tremendous shaking in the ground and a bright flash of sinister orange light.

"It's getting closer." Latimer stared fearfully out of the window.

His head hurt so much now as he stared down at the piece of clockwork in his hand. The persistent ticking bounced around in his skull. A thought came to him suddenly. A glimmer of hope in a dark cloud. "I should have thought of it before! I can give them this!" He walked swiftly to a corner of the room and held out the watch to the room. "Just the watch." _No._ John shook his head, trying to rid it of the vile voice. None of them looked happy or relieved like he felt. He had to get them to understand! "Then they can leave earth and I stay as I am."

Martha's eyes widened and she looked at him with terror. "You can't do that!"

John almosted sneered at her. "If they want The Doctor, they can have him." Why did it matter to him anyway? The Doctor wasn't even a man, just a _thing_ from another world. Just then another thought that was not his own came to him. _A Longer life isn't always a better one._

"He'll never let you do it." she countered angrily.

Now John was frustrated. _Why don't they understand?_ "And if they get what they want then," But he didn't know, "Then-"

"Then it all ends in fire….. and destruction." the quiet voice of Joan rose from the corner of the room. John turned to gape at her. She was facing the wall, looking down at the book in her hand. _Tick. Tick. Tick. TICK._ She turned slowly to face him, sadness filling her gaze. "I never read to the end. Those creatures would live forever… To breed and conquer." Her eyes grew distant with horrors only she could see. "A war across the stars. For every child." John Smith's eyes grew impossibly wide at her words. Cold terror gripped his every muscle and he started to shake more uncontrollably. Tears now streamed silently down his face. To die was awful enough, but to surrender his existence so some strange terrible God could replace him!

No. He now knew there was no other option. As much as he dreaded what he must do, it would be so much worse for everyone if he did not do it. But somehow knowing that caused him no comfort as panic started to set in. He could not bring himself to say anything.

Joan turned towards the other two occupants of the room with a terrible calm. "Martha. Timothy. Would you… leave us alone, please?"

John fought to keep his sobs under control as the Doctor's friend and the boy slunk out of the room. His vision blurred with tears as soon as they were out of sight and the next thing he knew, he was weeping in Joan's arms. His head buried in her soft blouse and his arms enclosed tightly around her. How could this not be real? He could feel the rawness in his throat as he gasped for breath in between sobs. He could feel the suffocating pressure in his chest and the pain in his mind. And it all felt so real. He hadn't cried like this since he was a boy, and yet, he had never been a boy.

After a few minutes of clinging to each other, Joan lead him gently to the closest bench. Her face was hidden in their embrace as they sat down together. John wondered fleetingly if she was crying as well.

 _This must be so hard for her._

His sobs slowly melted into small gasps and eventual silence. The couple sat together, Joan waiting as patient as ever as John brought himself under control. He noticed suddenly as he calmed, that he was still holding the watch. A few hours ago it would have been just a cold lump of metal to him. Now he knew better.

Joan reached for his hand and held it tightly as he shook with fear. She spoke in an impossibly soft, gentle voice. "If I could do this instead of you then I would". John's dark brown eyes found her soft blue ones. Another icy spear of pain pierced his heart. "I'd hoped-", she started, stopping herself as her eyes filled with tears. She took a long breath before shaking her head ever so slightly with a humourless laugh. "But my hopes aren't important", she resolved with a little, supportive smile on her face. He had meant to be with her forever. As he had looked into her full, kind face on the floor of that dance hall, glowing with joy and something...deeper, he had sworn to himself never to leave her side. But that had been before his entire life had crashed down around him. A lie.

"He won't love you", he found himself blurting out. How could he ever understand what it was to love someone like Joan? If John Smith could hold onto one certainty in his life, it was that this love had belonged to him. Not the Doctor.

Joan shook her head again, he eyes suddenly turned to stone. "If he's not you, then I don't want him to". An edge crept into the matron's voice as she spoke of the Doctor. "I had one husband and he died". Pain filled her face once more. "I never thought ever again…." This time she failed to stop the tears from slipping down her cheek. "And then you.."

John squeezed her hand as tight as he could. "It was real", he needed her to know. "I wasn't-", wasn't what? He stopped himself. Wasn't feeding her a lie? Wasn't offering a life of happiness before ripping it away? "I really thought…" he choked out. He needed her to understand.

She looked back at him and his voice faltered. Of course she understood. "Let me see", she said, holding out her hand for the watch. He set it down in her hand. "Blasted thing", she spat, bitterness clipping her words. "Blasted, blasted thing", she flipped it over and over in her hands as if she was inspecting it. Searching for something to save them. "I can't even hear it. It's nothing to me". John could hear it. It's presence was constant now, ticking away in his head, screaming to be opened.

He smiled at the woman he loved, reaching over and taking her hand and the watch in his. At least if he died, Joan would be safe. John's thought was interrupted the second he brushed the metal of the watch. He blinked and when he opened his eyes, he was no longer sitting on a bench in Lucy Cartwright's house. Instead his surroundings were transformed. He was outside in a garden, a place he was sure he had never seen before. But suddenly that was no longer true. Of course he had been here before, this was his wedding. The idea pushed its way into his mind before he could object, as if it had always lived there. He could see people in the distance, crowded around a white arch, cheering jovially and throwing little pieces of white rice. He could see it clearly now, it was him up on that altar, kissing Nurse Redfern deeply and laughing with joy. It was a strange feeling, being both the observer and the observed. As he watched it, he could feel it happening, remember it happening. Memories popped into his head of all the moments leading up to this, almost as if he was living it, right there and then. He could feel the warmth of Joan's lips as they pressed up against his. Images, places, moments, emotions that he had never seen yet knew intimately flashed before him.

It struck him. He was living his life, right now. It was the Doctor's gift. The image of the wedding dissolved and with it, John's feeling of swooping joy and a new world opened up to him. It was quieter, wherever he was. He got the impression of softness and swelling pride, and as he looked over at the new scene unfolding, he knew why. Tears streamed across his face as he looked down at his newborn child. She was curled up in his arms, cooing gently. John made a decision right then and there, if this was going to be the only life he got, he was going to grab ahold of it. He was never going to let go of his beautiful Eliza.

The scene around him melted slowly away, revealing the next layer. He was outside again, this time he was surrounded by huge, towering trees. They opened up to admit a wide path of flattened grass. A wide, silly grin split onto John's face as Eliza pushed her way past his leg and tore down the path ahead of them. She cast her eyes quickly behind her and let out a thrilled shriek as her brother Samuel gave chase after her. John glanced over to his wife. She had that look on her face again. The look that said, "That's not very ladylike" while still being full of mirth. Her eyes met his for a moment as their youngest son clung to his mother's leg. John took Charles' small hand into his own, cherishing the warmth, before the feeling was gone.

He was so tired. The thought sprang into John's mind as he let his head fall back into the soft pillow. The effort it took to draw each rattled breath left him with no strength. It hurt, but he wasn't scared. He knew he had lived a good long life. Had he? John thought. Sometimes this life felt so full and long, but other times it was almost as if it was flashing before him. Happening too fast to grab on to anything before it slipped away. No, he decided putting aside the thought, it had been a good life. As his wife held his hand, the soft warmth of her body flowing through him, he had only one more thing to do.

"They're all safe aren't they?", he implored desperately. "The children" I have children, John remembered with a spark of joy, "The grandchildren?" Grandchildren. He smiled. "Everyone's safe?" He had to know. It was the last thing that mattered.

Joan looked back at him, at her husband, with her beautiful blue eyes. After all this time, she was still just as beautiful to him. She smiled. "Everyone's safe", she promised, "And they all send their love, John".

John relaxed back into the bed, his last worry soothed. "Well then", he answered with a smile. He could feel his life finally slipping away. Away into the embrace that awaited him. The next adventure. "It's time", he sighed. One last idea found its way into his head as he let go. "Thank you", he breathed out, releasing his hold on this world.

John woke up. "Did you see!" he shouted as the real world came back into focus. Had she been there too? Had she seen the… wonders he had witnessed?

Tears shone in Joan's eyes. Tears that spoke of happiness, and sadness, and laughter, and life. "The Time Lord has such adventures", the sadness in her voice came back, but this time he sensed no bitterness. "But he could never have a life like that".

"And yet I could!", John begged. There had to be another way. As if in response, a terrible crash boomed outside. He could feel the heat from the tremendous explosion slam against his face. There isn't another way, he realised, there never was.

"What are you going to do?" Joan asked quietly. John looked back at her. She knew. And he knew. He studied every detail of her face, drinking her in as he never had before. What a fool he had been! Even when he had had time with her he had wasted it! But now he knew what to do. What he had to do. He was going to save Joan. The only thing in this wretched world that mattered. He leaned in and kissed her, long and deeply. The last thought John Smith had as he was swept away, was how warm Joan's lips had felt pressed against his own.


End file.
